


me, my thoughts are flower strewn (ocean storm, bayberry moon)

by LilithStarlight



Series: chan's foolproof step-by-step guide to self care and coping [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (did i look up an old meme for that? yes. yes i did), Almost Done!, Anxiety, Anxious Thoughts, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Boys Being Cute, Comfort, Conversations, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Gen, Han Jisung Has a Potty Mouth, Han Jisung | Han is a Little Shit, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Kim Seungmin is a Good Friend, Kissing, M/M, Math, Minho Typical Violence, Platonic Cuddling, Seo Changbin is a Good Friend, Short Chapters, Slice of Life, So take that as you will, Soft Stray Kids Ensemble, Stimming, Thought Processes, UwU if i may, also bc jisung has a potty mouth, also wanted to add:, and only for like a minute, anyway she's done! hope you enjoyed the ride!, but also snuggling, but it's all imagined! nobody dies in this fic, changlix in ch 3!!, daily life, different types of anxiety, existential talks at a quarter past midnight, family talks! family meetings!, felix: "fucking colors - how do they work?", finally we got that:, getting advice from a good bud, gonna make that a tag, hehehe it's cute tho, idk how and why the internet works, in the meantime:, it's hyunjin hyunjin is the good bud, it's not explicitly said that's what it is but, it's v lowkey but it's There, literally every chapter is based off of a thought process that i've had before, lying on the floor, mild description of death and injuries, minchan in chapter 9 babey!, more existential crises, non-au, of a sort; it's how i experience it at least, oops chapter four is Rough, please don't be scared off by that they just talk about math theories, rated t for being slightly scary in ch 4 and anxiety, so i'm making jeongin just as confused about it as me, stray kids loving stray kids hours: Wide Fucking Open, tags will be updated as I go, the kids are: vibing and have Interesting Thoughts, thinking about life, tickling and noogies, warnings for chapters are in the summaries/notes btw!, welcome to whatever the fuck this is, y'know when your brain moves too fast and it won't slow down?, yeah that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26611933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilithStarlight/pseuds/LilithStarlight
Summary: The one where Stray Kids realizes that thought processes are funny, aren’t they?Not everyone thinks about things the way they’re expected to. Sometimes, you have a different perspective about things. And that's okay~See also; Me projecting the way my noggin works onto SKZ because I love them. Expect softness and comfort for the babies, as well as both platonic and romantic love, cuz that's the Good Stuff I'm Looking For
Relationships: Bang Chan & Hwang Hyunjin, Bang Chan & Yang Jeongin | I.N, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han & Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han & Yang Jeongin | I.N, Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Kim Seungmin & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Stray Kids Ensemble & Stray Kids Ensemble
Series: chan's foolproof step-by-step guide to self care and coping [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1788208
Comments: 95
Kudos: 128





	1. I have got to leave to find my way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan, featuring Jeongin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from "find the river" by r.e.m :3
> 
> content: excessive talking about math

Chan is trying to listen. Really, he is!

In spite of how he feels about math as a subject in school (gross), math as a concept? That’s neat! He could listen to mathematical theories and explanations for a long time without getting bored.

However, he’s running on about two hours of sleep today, and he kind of has been for the last three days too. And for some reason, he agreed to help Jeongin with his math. Or, at the very least, he agreed to listen and provide feedback as the maknae explains the newest concept he’s learned in school.

And Chan is struggling not to let his mind wander, or even worse, fall asleep at the table. That would be, as the kids call it, Rude and Embarrassing.

What is helping him so far is to expend some effort into imagining the theories as real, tangible concepts. With some of the ideas, all he has to do is project flash cards, more or less, to the forefront of his mind, then visualize himself crossing out or adding bolded numbers onto the page.

As Jeongin talks about a spectrum of numbers, Chan has one half of his mind spent on listening to the words that are coming out of Jeongin’s mouth and the other half spent on imagining a giant number line that can zoom in and out on specific points. Bonus points to himself for imagining types of numbers as real, physical objects.

Positive numbers? Starting with zero, that’s anything that can be counted. For example, baskets full of fruit.

Irrational numbers are a bit harder, but he settles on thinking about a ruler with several inconsistent notches between the actually helpful length markers in between 1 and 5 centimeters.

He gets stuck on Jeongin’s explanation for negative numbers, however. No matter how he tries, he can’t visualize anything for that. He’s so stumped on creating an image for a negative number that he forgets he’s supposed to be listening.

“What if you could hold a negative amount of something?” Chan says abruptly. Or at least, it’s abrupt to Jeongin, who had not been expecting Chan to say anything and startles at the sudden exclamation.

“If you could… what?” he ends up asking Chan, setting down his pencil and turning to focus on him.

“Oh, I just…” Chan trails off as he realizes he’d interrupted the entire process. Jeongin just stares at him however, so he continues.

“I was imagining the concepts in my head with like. Physical representations of things, and I thought, “Huh, I don’t think there’s really a way to visualize a negative number,” and then that was all I could think about. Like, would it be a just an empty space in that spot? Would there be a void of some kind? Would it alter any of the world around it? Or is it just something that can’t be a thing?” Chan looks over to see Jeongin’s facial expression has not changed, staring without blinking even once.

“I dunno, I just kinda. Imagined it. I thought it was interesting, is all,” Chan defends, cheeks aglow.

Jeongin finally blinks a couple times and shifts his expression into something more open. “Oh, no, you’re right. That _is_ interesting. I’ve just never thought of thinking about math like that before and I was still processing it.”

He picks up his pencil and looks back at his math book, chuckling a bit at Chan’s expression (which Chan soon realizes is making the same staring expression Jeongin had just been making). Chan eventually shakes his head, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palm.

“Maybe I’m more tired than I thought,” he admits.

“Maybe so,” Jeongin says without looking up. He starts writing in his book as he says, “We all know your brain is weird, though. Also, if you don’t feel like helping with math, you can just say so.”

“Hey!” Chan pouts, not even a little shocked at Jeongin’s immediate sass. “I wanna help, I’m just sleepy,” he mumbles.

Jeongin does look up at that, skeptically.

“Sure, Chan,” he says, smirking.

“I am, though!” he protests. “It’s not my fault our minds are wired differently.”

Jeongin pauses at that, interest piqued again. “Huh. Yeah, I suppose they are.” He’s quiet for a moment. “It’s like you see math in a very literal sense with abstract concepts, and I see math as abstract concepts in a very literal sense. If that makes sense.”

Chan huffs a laugh. “It’s like you’re the mathematician scientist and I’m the Diana Wynne Jones novel.”

“Who’s that again?” Jeongin asks, squinting at Chan as he twirls the pencil between his fingers.

Chan places a hand on his chest, fake-offended. “The author of one of the best books ever? Howl’s Moving Castle?”

Jeongin hums noncommittally. “Sounds about right. I saw the movie once…” he trails off, thinking. Then he smirks again. “Yeah, you’re just as weird as the movie was.”

Jeongin barely dodges the crumpled piece of paper Chan throws at him in retaliation.


	2. Watch the road and memorize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho, featuring Seungmin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content: existential talks and questioning life and the first person view of the world

“Hey, Seungmin,” Minho says, watching the stars past midnight as they sit on the roof of the JYP building.

(It’s the company’s best-worst-kept-secret; everyone knows that every idol who works there goes to the roof to take a break. The higher ups just don’t know how they keep getting up there even after the custodians change the locks.)

Seungmin only grunts in reply, at the disturbance of the peace or at the late hour in general, Minho doesn’t know. He takes it as the ‘okay’ to plow ahead with whatever he was going to say.

“Cool, alright. Do you ever have moments where you feel like you can’t comprehend life the way it is?”

His question is met with silence, and when he turns to look Seungmin meets his gaze with his eyebrows raised.

“Wanna elucidate that one for me, bud?” Seungmin says, sounding annoyed with himself for being interested.

“Like, we’re humans, right? Why?” Minho says, gesturing at the sky as he does, as if offended that it had Personally demanded that he explain his existence.

Seungmin makes another noise of confusion.

“You mean, like, what’s our place in the universe? Why are we such a small part of it?”

“Kinda,” Minho says, bunching up the corner of his mouth as he does.

“I don’t get it then. Just say what you mean, dude,” Seungmin says in his almost-irritated voice.

“Fine, I will,” Minho says with a _humph_. “If we’re all humans, do we all have similar experiences? I can see from my own eyes but I can’t see from yours, so how do we know that we’re all humans? What if I’m just a simulation, waiting for something to change one day? What if you are? Or what if we all are? And what if-”

“Dog,” Seungmin interrupts, giving him that ‘disgusted look’ he makes when he’s asked to think about something mildly upsetting. “It’s not that deep. We exist because we do.”

“It _is “_ that deep”, though!” Minho insists. “If we can only ever see our lives from a first person perspective, what is the guarantee that you’re real and not just a part of my mind? That I’m not just a part of someone else’s? It’s… I dunno, it’s weird to think about, and I don’t know if I _want_ to think about it.”

Seungmin is quiet for a moment, thinking.

“Does this really bother you that much?” he asks, tone softer than before.

Minho sighs. “I mean. Kinda? Like, at first it was just “huh that’s weird” but then it spiraled, and now I’m feeling some weird existential dread and... I don’t like it. It makes my mind feel all far away.”

“Hmm.” Seungmin hums to himself for a moment. “I do know that feeling,” he says quietly, but he gives no indication of elaborating on that. Instead, he continues talking like he hadn’t had that little aside to himself.

“Well, think about it this way; as you live right now, you have the ability to choose what you do with your life and how you spend your time. You choose to perform, and dance, and sing, and be our cutie second oldest member, and love your cats, and be… you.” Minho thinks that this might be the softest he’s heard Seungmin speak in a while, at least directed at him. He continues, though, before Minho even considers responding.

“And you said a lot of “what ifs”, like they’re all bad things. “What ifs” can be good. What if our next comeback goes really well? What if I buy you an ice cream tomorrow? What if you wake up tomorrow and you still get to live your life surrounded by people who love you?”

Minho’s throat feels tight and his eyes prickle at Seungmin’s words. He hadn’t expected comfort when he had started this existential conversation. He had expected humor at best, moderate ridicule at worst. The gentle assuaging of his sudden fears hadn’t even been on the top twenty things he thought might happen. He could probably thank Seungmin and be done, but if Lee Minho is anything it’s indirect and clunky while sharing his true feelings.

Instead, he decides to stand up, quietly walk over to Seungmin, and plops himself in his lap without preamble.

Seungmin squawks at the intrusion, flailing until he realizes what’s happening. He relaxes and brings his arms around Minho, probably to comfort him. It calms Minho’s heart, which he hadn’t realized was racing, and brings a soft feeling that warms his core.

“Thank you, Seungminnie,” he eventually murmurs. The only acknowledgement Seungmin gives is the lifting of one hand to run through his hair.

But it’s enough.

Gentle nights stargazing and talking, sometimes, are more than enough.

(And the next day, Seungmin buys him an ice cream.)


	3. This life that pass before my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin, featuring Felix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: descriptions of some form of anxiety,, it isn't directly stated that's what it is but changbin is described having thoughts in a way similar to how i have anxiety

To the casual observer, it appears as though Changbin is sitting quietly at his desk, thoughtful as he studies the keyboards and monitors in front of him. He looks calm, tranquil even, poised and collected and ready to make his next move.

Inside Changbin’s head, however, is a different story.

The inside of his head currently looks like a desperate traveler trying to catch a bullet train, but is struggling to find the right one; they ride at high speeds for a few moments before realizing they need a different train, jumping out and crashing only to jump back on another wrong train heading in a wildly incorrect direction.

In short; his mind is moving excruciatingly fast and it’s incredibly stressful.

He came in to the studio this afternoon with his creative juices flowing and ready to write. As soon as he sat down, though, he realized his thoughts were overflowing, so much so that he couldn’t even think of picking up a pencil or pressing his fingers to the keys.

Someone put too much into one pot for it to boil properly, and then tried to stir it despite knowing there would be spillage.

It almost hurts, just sitting there and staring blankly at the screens, wanting to create something so badly but being unable to grasp at one cohesive idea for long enough to go anywhere with it. 

After nearly an hour like this, he knows he has to do _something_. Numbly and on autopilot, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it. Barely glancing down, he opens the messaging app, finds the contact he needs.

 _Felix <3_.

He sends just two words, hoping that Felix will understand.

_Too much_

And then he waits, unmoving as soon as he sets his phone back down.

Barely five minutes pass when there’s a knock at the door.

“Come in,” he says, trying and failing to raise his voice.

The door opens slowly, and Changbin can’t make himself turn around to see who it is. This is resolved, however, when a gentle hand taps his shoulder and Felix swings around his chair and into his field of vision.

“Hey, baby,” Felix murmurs with a soft smile. Changbin blinks up at him as his mind takes a few beats longer than it normally would to process the words.

Felix reaches out a hand, giving Changbin time to accept or reject the touch. He nods slowly, and Felix cups the side of his face, caressing it with so much care that Changbin can feel his breath catch in his throat. He isn’t sure how long he sits there, letting Felix swipe a thumb against his cheek, when he speaks again in low voice.

“What’s going on, Binnie?”

It takes a lot of effort, but he eventually croaks out a “Too many thoughts, too fast. Dunno what to do.” A tear slips down his face, to his surprise, but Felix is quick to brush it away and hum sympathetically.

“Do you want to talk about it, baby? Or do you need a hug and a distraction?” Felix asks, voice still quiet, like he’s trying not to make him feel worse.

“Hug, please,” Changbin whispers. “And distraction.”

Felix quickly scoops Changbin out of his chair, grabbing him under his arms and letting him wrap his legs around his waist as they walk to the nearest couch. It’s a testament to how out of it he is that he doesn’t make a fake protest or laugh at the action.

Felix plops himself down, Changbin staring at him wordlessly until he shifts to a more comfy position to sit properly in Felix’s lap.

“Want a hug right now?” Felix asks again, still so careful and loving. He nods, not feeling up to speaking anymore, and leans into Felix who instantly wraps his arms around Changbin’s waist.

He sighs as a blanket of relief immediately falls over him. His racing thoughts begin to slow; one at a time, the wrong trains exit the station and head far, far away, leaving behind just one. It waits for him to decide instead of trying to take him in the wrong direction.

He still has an unsettled feeling in his bones, however, and now in the absence of the rushing that previously filled his mind, an oppressive fog billows into place.

Either from intuition after being together for so long or because Felix has a sixth sense for this type of thing, his grip around Changbin becomes tighter. He suddenly hears a whispered mantra next to his ear.

“It’s okay, you’re alright. I’m here for you, I love you,” Felix chants without slowing, and Changbin lets himself fully melt against Felix.

He feels peaceful, finally, and he lets himself rest as Felix moves his hands to rub circles into his back in a comforting manner.

He thinks he might be close to falling asleep when Felix goes quiet and shifts in his spot, causing Changbin to rouse and lean back to look at him. Felix smiles, and suddenly Changbin wants to count his freckles.

“Just wanna check, do you need anything else, baby? Or more cuddles?” he asks in a soft lilt tinged with a hint of brightness.

Changbin shakes his head at first, then tilts it instead. His words are still more or less gone, so instead he reaches up, extends a finger to tap Felix’s lips twice, then his own in the same way.

Felix giggles and smiles wider, if that is possible. “A kiss? A kiss for the cutest Binnie ever?” he teases gently.

Changbin blushes but nods, pouts in a way that he hopes Felix understands means _Please?_

Felix gets the message. He chuckles as he repositions Changbin in his lap so they’re closer again, so close they can press their foreheads together; so they do, closing their eyes in the process.

Changbin soaks up Felix’s warmth. He isn’t sure what caused his thoughts to spiral today, he may never really know why they sped up too fast; why this has happened more than once.

But he does know that sitting here, in Felix’s lap, he can feel nothing but love radiating between them. He sighs, content after spending too long tense and unsure.

“Ready, baby?” Felix murmurs. Changbin nods, then giggles at the funny feeling where their foreheads touch. He leans back, missing the contact but knowing it will be replaced soon.

Felix reaches a hand up again to cup the side of his face, much like he had earlier. He leans forward then, and with barely any pressure, presses his plush lips softly to Changbin’s. They rest there for a moment, no movement, as if checking silently to make sure Changbin is still okay with it.

Changbin decides to be brave; he places a hand on Felix’s cheek as well, and then he starts moving first. It’s gentle, no heat whatsoever, and when Felix kisses him back it’s with a gentleness that feels like affirmations more than anything else. It’s little secret messages that only he will receive, a burst of happiness with each one, and sometimes he can’t hold back more giggles.

_Kiss – “I’m still here.”_

_Kiss – “You’ll be okay.”_

_Kiss – “I love you, Changbinnie.”_

And he knows this. Sometimes, though, after a rough day especially, it’s nice to have a reminder.

After a while, they both pull away, gazing at each other and smiling so, so happily it makes their eyes form crescents. Changbin feels it again; nothing but love between them. He can finally bring his voice back to whisper four words, softly as he leans in to press a kiss to Felix’s forehead.

“I love you, Lixie.”

He leans back to see Felix’s grin grow impossibly wider.

“And I love you, Binnie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this one is slightly less realistic than the other ones because: I do have thoughts like these, but I do Not have a cute partner to hug n smooch when I'm sad. ce la vie  
> hope u liked it!


	4. I have got to find the river, bergamot and vetiver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin, featuring Chan
> 
> putting this in the summary cuz it could be a bit of a doozy
> 
> i will preface this with no death happens at all in this chapter! it's 100% imagined but i wanted you all to be aware just in case
> 
> cw: intrusive thoughts, descriptions of death, mild descriptions of injury, anxiety, emotional hurt comfort, crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLOT SPOILER ALERT - if it would make you nervous anxious not knowing: hyunjin has intrusive thoughts about chan dying, but everyone is okay

It’s a regular day.

There’s really nothing out of the ordinary about anything that’s happened so far.

So nobody expects anything out of the ordinary to happen.

Hyunjin is wandering down the hall, freshly woken up and looking for someone to potentially bother as he goes.

He ends up in the kitchen where Seungmin and Jeongin are eating as they have a heated discussion about their favorite characters in One Piece, Jeongin aggressively defending Law and Seungmin serenely but firmly claiming his love for Chopper. As fun as it would be to join and cause problems – he’s partial to Luffy – he isn’t really in the mood for arguing of any kind.

Instead, he swipes some of Jeongin’s chicken while he’s not looking and munches it as he continues his aimless trek around the dorm.

He finds Minho curled up on the couch in their common area, looking rather like a cat as he watches a video on his phone. He seems busy, if the headphones and concentrated look are anything to go by.

Hyunjin’s going to bother him.

“Hey, Minho,” he says, purposefully sounding annoyingly chipper. Minho doesn’t look up, but his eyes narrow slightly at the interruption. Hyunjin sighs in exasperation, then decides to jump onto the cushion next to Minho’s.

Minho groans at the sudden jostling, but pauses his video and removes an earbud to glare at Hyunjin.

“What do you want, punk?” he says bluntly (but with little real heat). Hyunjin decides to push his luck.

“I’m bored, Minnie,” he whines, tugging on Minho’s arm.

“Go bother someone else, then, I’m watching something,” Minho says, rolling his eyes. Hyunjin flops dramatically onto the couch.

“Innie and Seungmin are arguing about One Piece and I don’t want to be near that, who else is here?” Minho sighs, once, but it’s long and long- _suffering_.

“I don’t know! Go look around, I’m not everyone’s mom,” he huffs, putting his earbud back in and pressing play on his video.

“But Min-” Hyunjin starts before Minho raises his head again. Oh. That’s his ‘I Will End You’ look. Hyunjin’s luck has run out.

“That’s a great idea, esteemed Minho. Have fun!” he exclaims before sprinting out of the room. He thinks he can hear Minho chuckling behind him. Jerk.

He decides to head back to down the hall, wondering if anyone is in their room. Peering into the first door, he sees… nobody. He sighs.

He opens his door next, just in case someone came in while he was sleeping and he didn’t notice. And still, no one. He’s beginning to think everyone else has left the dorm, either to work or to have fun, and he has no idea. Maybe he _should_ go join the Great One Piece Debate of 2020.

He opens the next door, and looking in he _finally_ sees someone lying on their bed. He’s about to step in when he realizes it’s Chan, and he’s very asleep if the lack of reaction to the intrusion is anything to go by.

Hyunjin coos softly. It’s not often he’s awake when Chan is napping, and their leader is honestly adorable when he’s asleep. From what he can see from the doorway, Chan’s face is smushed into the pillow and he’s swimming in the big, fluffy comforter, making him look extra tiny. It’s cute.

Hyunjin giggles at it and decides to leave him be – the man needs more sleep.

He shuts the door softly and goes to check the next room. Aaannnd nobody. Looks like he’ll have to join the fools in the kitchen after all.

He makes it about two steps before he’s struck by a thought.

Was Chan breathing when he walked in?

Hyunjin blinks, then shakes his head. Where did that come from? Of course he was, he was just resting. Chan’s fine.

… Right?

A weird, cold feeling grips at Hyunjin’s lungs suddenly. What if Chan isn’t okay? What if something’s wrong?

He can’t remember what he saw anymore. Why can’t he?

He stands for a moment, unsure of the next move, only aware of troubling thoughts appearing, growing, crowding against his skull.

An idea, a terrible one, surfaces just then, and it hits like a punch to the stomach.

_What if he’s dead?_

No, no, no! He’s not! He can’t think that!

_But… but what if he is?_

Hyunjin snaps his eyes shut, shaking his head like he’s trying to remove these horrible thoughts from his head. Shakily, he opens his eyes again. All he has to do is check in on Chan. _He’s fine, he’s alright_ , he thinks as he makes his way back to Chan’s room. But now that he’s thought of the worst possible outcome, terrifying images spring up in the front of his mind unbidden.

 _Flash_. Chan lying on his bed, an arm hanging over the side, limp.

 _Snap._ Eyes that won’t see again, glazed over in the cold.

 _Crunch._ Vivid, visible marks of broken bones and pain.

 _Crack._ A stillness emphasized by cobwebs, the kind associated with death.

It’s horrible, it’s terrible, and he can’t make it stop.

He doesn’t even realize he’s made it into the room until he blinks once and Chan is in front of him.

Motionless.

 _Is he…_ Hyunjin feels his stomach drop and the icy feeling spreads. He doesn’t want to but he creeps closer, needs to see for himself.

Is he breathing, or is Hyunjin imagining things out of the last shred of hope that everything is alright?

Is he alive, or was he too late to help him?

There’s too many questions, too many what ifs; Hyunjin can’t think past the terror in his mind, can’t be sure his mind isn’t playing tricks on him, doesn’t know what to do-

“Hyunnie?”

The small voice rips Hyunjin from the vicious cycle in his mind. He glances down at the bed.

Chan is awake and staring up at Hyunjin with curious, sleepy eyes and a sweet tilt to his head.

“You’re…” Hyunjin gasps, and then he finds it hard to breathe. Chan’s gaze goes from curious to concerned and he immediately sits up and opens his arms in time for Hyunjin to collapse against him.

Without realizing it, Hyunjin had gone from breathing too fast to holding his breath for far too long, and now that he’s curled up against Chan he can feel his lungs trying to fill properly again.

Chan, to his credit, doesn’t question him. He just holds Hyunjin tightly, lightly scratching comforting patterns on his back and lets him gather himself and his thoughts together. With his leader’s comforting embrace around him, breathing comes easier and his mind (and heart) are racing significantly slower.

“You alright, baby?” Chan murmurs after a while.

Hyunjin nods against Chan’s shoulder, sniffling as he does. He looks up finally to meet his eyes, and he finally sees what he’d been too afraid to look for before.

Chan’s hold around Hyunjin is firm, not limp. His eyes are warm and searching for answers. His skin his unmarked by any extraordinary injuries. If Hyunjin concentrates, he can smell the soft scent of Chan’s shampoo, and he’s still surrounded by his clean, warm blankets.

And he’s very much alive.

Eventually, Hyunjin nods in response to Chan’s question. And he sniffles again. With a shaky, cracking voice, he explains what the problem was.

“I was… I was looking for someone to talk to. I checked the rooms, and you were asleep. I left, but then… I don’t know why, I thought,” and his breath catches in his throat suddenly. Chan is quick to comfort him, rubbing his hands up and down his back with firm but gentle movements. After a moment, he continues.

“I thought that maybe something was wrong and you weren’t okay. I thought… I thought you were…” and he can’t say it for a second, but Chan is still warm and grounding and _alive_. “I really thought you might be dead.”

Chan’s eyes widen slightly before his gaze relaxes again, maybe tinted with a hint of sadness.

“Oh, baby, that sounds really scary, I’m sorry,” he says softly. Hyunjin shakes his head rapidly.

“It’s not your fault, it’s… I’ve had weird thoughts before but… I don’t know where this came from,” he says, voice still shaky.

“Still, I’m sorry you experienced that,” Chan explains, ruffling his hair as he does. “Is there anything I can do for you?” When Hyunjin just shrugs, he switches tracks. “Are you feeling better right now?”

Hyunjin nods once. Twice. Three times.

And promptly bursts into near-silent tears, leaning into Chan’s shoulder as if to hide his crying from the world.

“Hyunnie, do you need more hugs right now?” Chan asks, arms still loosely wrapped around Hyunjin.

He nods again, not trusting himself to speak just yet. Chan immediately tightens his hold, moving a hand up to his head as well.

“We can talk about it more when you feel up to it, okay?” Chan whispers as he strokes through Hyunjin’s hair, avoiding as many tangles as possible.

Hyunjin can only nod more, grateful even as he can’t stop the flow of tears down his cheeks and probably getting onto Chan’s shirt.

It takes a while of sitting there, trying to absorb as much of Chan’s warmth (and the sense of peace that he always magically exudes) as he can, but eventually he pulls away, sniffling as he does. He stares at Chan for a few moments, scanning him, like he’s unconsciously checking to make sure he’s still okay.

Chan senses this, of course.

“I’m alright, Hyunnie, promise,” he says with a smile, placing a palm on his cheek and stroking his thumb across his cheekbone. Hyunjin leans into it, sighing.

He feels relief now, more than anything else. That, and thankfulness and love for Chan.

“Hey,” Chan whispers suddenly, making Hyunjin tilt his head in curiosity. “You alright with another nap? I know I’m still sleepy,” he says, grinning.

Hyunjin smiles too, softly.

“That sounds great. Thank you, Channie.”

Later, they can talk all they want about whatever it was that happened today.

Later, they can share their experiences, how Hyunjin has had thoughts like this but never this bad, how Chan sometimes gets sudden bouts of anxiety too.

Later, they can learn about intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them, apart and together.

For now, though, they snuggle into each other, embracing each other tightly as the softness and the warmth of the afternoon lulls them back to a peaceful sleep.


	5. Run through my head and fall away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung, featuring Changbin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content: also anxiety but described differently, thoughts moving too fast, food and eating, jisung has a potty mouth

There’s a weird fog in Jisung’s head as he sits at his desk. It’s only been fifteen minutes, but it’s weirdly irritating, and he hopes he can start being productive soon.

Maybe fog isn’t the right word. It’s more like smoke; it billows over everything and he can’t really see a way through it. He wonders, briefly; if someone were to walk in, would they be able to see the clouds pouring out of his head?

If we were to analyze it further, he could find the origin. It’s like smoke created from friction, from his mind running too fast, from wheels starting and stopping and turning and burning rubber. It’s like he had a spark for an idea, and then suddenly a dozen other ideas lit up and caught fire as well, and now he’s stuck watching the blaze.

Well, he isn’t really _stuck._ At the very least, he isn’t sitting still. He’s tapping his feet, bobbing his head, opening new tabs in the search bar on his laptop, creating new blank document pages, starting a new sound file.

He can do anything he wants to right now, but every idea he has is at war with each other, and instead of waiting for one idea to win (like he usually does when this happens), right now he feels compelled to chase after every thought that looks like it has a chance of winning. He taps out a few words in a document before moving to search for something, switching between tabs at lightning speed. Then he wants to try a new beat and he quickly places a few notes into a sound file.

It’s like his fingers twitch with desire to work when he’s not using them to write, but as soon as he starts he’s quick to fizzle out and feel the need to try something else, leaving the sparks to maintain the inferno that he can’t satisfy.

And as fast as he’s moving, he’s making zero progress.

It’s frustrating beyond words.

Just when he’s thinking about banging his head into the table (or at least dunking it in a bucket of water, maybe that would put out the screeching, flaming ideas.), the door to the studio room he’s in opens.

“Hey, Ji,” comes a voice from behind him.

Relief at the distraction floods through Jisung’s body, and he turns with a smile.

“Hey, Binnie,” he says, waving. Changbin returns the wave with a smile of his own. “What’re you up to?” Jisung asks. Changbin shrugs.

“Not much, to be honest. Got bored being at home and decided to come work on some ideas. Or bother you, whichever one ended up happening first. Also,” he holds up a small plastic bag, “I brought some lunch.”

“You are a lifesaver,” Jisung says, clapping his hands together and looking up as if thanking some nearby deity.

Changbin laughs at that. “It’s nothing, just some takeout that was on the way.”

“Still, though,” Jisung says, “Food aside, you’re a welcome distraction from work. I’m not getting _anywhere_ , man, it fucking _sucks_.”

Changbin tilts his head in curiosity, but doesn’t push it. Instead, he pulls some paper napkins out from the bag as he sits down, then sets them on the floor. He unwraps the bag and places the boxes inside next to the napkins, then gestures at the setup.

“Lunch time, rapper boy,” Changbin says with a cheeky grin.

Jisung scoffs. “That won’t work as a nickname, _you’re_ a rapper boy too,” he says petulantly, but there’s no heat behind it and he slides off his chair to lay on the floor for a moment before crawling over to sit by his food.

It’s quiet except for the sound of chewing for a moment as they both dig in. Eventually, Changbin sets down his utensils and asks, “So, what’s the problem?”

“Hurmph?” Jisung says through a mouthful of food. Changbin makes a disgusted face before sighing.

“I mean, you said you weren’t getting anywhere with your work. Is it anything specific?” he pries, surprisingly gently. Jisung swallows everything in his mouth (and coughs) before he answers.

“I dunno,” he says with a shrug. Changbin looks like he’s trying not to roll his eyes.

“You don’t know like you don’t want to talk about it or like you actually don’t know?” he asks.

Jisung sighs this time, placing his utensils on his napkin as well. “I actually don’t know. It was like,” he pauses, searching for the right words. “Hell, it was like my mind was trying to pick up on seven ideas at once, and work on them all without letting any of them go.”

He taps his chin thoughtfully a few times, realizing he still had an itching, burning sensation to work on something in the back of his mind.

“It felt like everything was going too fast, and like my brain was… on fire, almost. It was fucking weird,” he says, trailing off. When he looks up, he sees Changbin looking at him with surprise. And something else, familiarity maybe?

“Something on your mind?” Jisung ends up asking when Changbin doesn’t have a response. He seems to startle, before a hand comes up to rub the back of his neck.

“Yeah, actually. I feel similar stuff sometimes, when I work. It happened just last week, in fact,” he admits sheepishly.

“Shit, really?” Jisung exclaims, a little awed. “I thought my brain was just fucking up or malfunctioning or something.”

Changbin _does_ roll his eyes at that.

“You’re not malfunctioning, Ji. If it’s anything like what I experience, then sometimes brains just have a different response to stress or other outside factors than what they usually do. Does that make sense?” he tacks on, and Jisung assumes that he looks lost. He is, but he’s not going to admit it.

“Kind of? You mean like, when your brain has, like, flight or fight or some shit?”

Changbin sighs. “Not really, I mean like…” he trails off, then makes some odd noise in the back of his throat. “Okay, take me for example. You know how when I get stressed, I usually go workout or start writing and composing _something_ just to get those feelings out?” Jisung nods. “Alright, good. Sometimes, I get stressed in a different way, and it leads me to have different reactions. Do you follow?”

Jisung nods again, adding a, “Yeah, that tracks. I think.” Changbin just sighs again. He’s been doing that a lot today.

“Okay, well, when I get stressed in a different way, it can be hard for me to even think about getting those feelings out. And when I realize that it’s gotten that bad, that’s when I reach out to someone to help me, usually for a distraction, ‘cuz I can’t do it by myself in that moment.”

“Ohhh,” is all Jisung says for a few seconds. He does actually get it this time. Then he has a question.

“So like, when I said I wasn’t getting anywhere, you realized I was stressed in a different way because I can usually get through this shit without needing a distraction?”

Changbin clicks his tongue and gives Jisung a finger gun. “Bingo.”

“Huh,” comes Jisung’s response. He’s thinking it through for a little bit. “Now that you mention it, there are definitely other times where I’ve found a distraction is better than trying to work through a block.”

Now that he’s really processing it, he realizes that eating lunch, talking it out, and realizing he wasn’t alone in this has put out the blaze in his mind. His thoughts are much slower than before, like his brain has cooled down exponentially. It was the bucket of water he was looking for. He actually feels kind of tranquil.

He has another question after a few moments. “When you said distraction, what usually works for you?” he asks Changbin, genuinely curious.

“Oh, that,” Changbin says, going red. “I, well… I usually… message Felix,” he says in a meek voice. Jisung blinks a few times before grinning roguishly.

“And?” he prompts, knowing full well he’s being a shithead.

Changbin sighs once again, long-suffering and exasperated. It does nothing to hide the blush on his face.

“And he asks if I need a distraction,” he says lightly, avoiding what he knows Jisung is looking for. Jisung sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Come on, man, give me the juicy details, you’re holding out on me!” he accuses, but he can’t stop from smirking still.

“Ugh, fine!” Changbin exclaims, crossing his arms defensively. “He asks if I need hugs… And sometimes kisses, okay? Are you happy?” he says with a pout.

“Immensely happy, thank you Binnie.” Jisung claps his hands together by his chest and flutters his eyelashes, just to keep being a shithead.

“I hate you,” Changbin grumbles, but there’s no bite behind it. They all know Changbin is a big softie, especially when it comes to Felix.

He finally uncrosses his arms after a few moments to continue eating, and Jisung drops his act and joins him. It’s quiet for a minute before Changbin asks another question.

“So, are you good right now?” The tone shift throws Jisung off. It’s soft and caring, and Jisung’s heart melts just a little. (He probably won’t admit to it unless he’s sleep-deprived, though.)

“Yeah, I’m good,” he says honestly. It’s nice that they can have this playful banter, knowing that even with the teasing they still have each other’s backs.

Changbin smiles up at him.

“Good,” he says. Then he tilts his head. “Do you need another type of distraction, or are you ready to get back to working?”

Jisung knows he probably means playing video games or watching a show together, but all he sees is a great opportunity to mess with Changbin one more time.

So, he pulls a face at Changbin, scrunching up his nose and squinting at him.

“Ew, Binnie, if you’re offering for me to make out with you, it’s not gonna happen,” he says, faking disgust.

Changbin’s jaw drops.

“I am not!” he protests. Then he throws a ball of wadded up, dirty napkins at him, hitting Jisung square in the face. He squawks as he falls backwards.

“You’re insufferable, Han Jisung,” Changbin says, and Jisung can tell he’s shaking his head without looking.

“That’s why you looove me,” he sing-songs from the floor. He sits up in time to see Changbin giving him a Look. Then he sighs again.

“Fine, I guess it is,” he mutters grumpily. Jisung simply grins.

This was the perfect distraction from work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chang-sung brother energy and we love to see it!


	6. River to the ocean goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix, featuring Minho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content: mild existentialism about colors, milk, overpowering fluff and softness, platonic cuddling, laughing at nothing

Felix has been glaring at the apple on the counter for at least six and a half minutes by the time Minho walks in.

He doesn’t look up from his staring, doesn’t even blink at Minho’s appearance, before he asks, genuine curiosity and mild distress evident even to himself, “Why the fuck are apples red?”

Minho, to his credit, only stops moving for a second before he keeps walking, probably to get some flavored milk from the fridge.

“Something or other about the way light is refracted off of its surface and that the only light wave it absorbs is red,” Minho answers casually.

Felix looks up then.

“Wait, really?” Minho shrugs.

“I think it is anyway, I dunno I haven’t watched Magic School Bus in a few years.”

“Or been in school?” Felix counters with a smirk. Minho raises his hands in surrender.

“That too, but to be fair Magic School Bus was a lot more memorable,” he says.

“That’s fair,” Felix concedes, going back to staring at the apple.

Minho is quiet for a minute as he gets his drink, so quiet that Felix jumps in surprise when Minho is suddenly right next to him and asks, “So, any reason for pondering that apple’s existence while looking like you’re trying to set it on fire with your mind?” He takes a long sip of his strawberry milk, staring into Felix’s eyes almost as intensely as Felix had been staring at the apple.

Felix suppresses a shudder. Then he shakes his head.

“Yeah, I was wondering why it’s red. And you answered it,” he adds quickly when he notices Minho opening his mouth. “But like. _Why_ is this red? Like, why did the universe decide this would be red?”

Minho stares at him for a moment, that signature ‘My face looks blank but I’m actually deep in thought so give me a minute’ Lee Know look. Eventually, he blinks a few times and sighs.

“You and I seem to have similar thoughts, dear Lixie,” Minho says, a hint of a fond smile creeping onto his face.

Felix can feel his eyebrows scrunching. “What does that mean?” he asks.

“The tendency to get overly existential about the semantics of life, no biggie,” is Minho’s flippant answer, waving a hand around dismissively and making to walk away.

Felix isn’t quite done with him yet, though.

“No, wait, get back here,” he says, trailing after Minho as he starts going back to the common room. He grabs onto Minho’s long sleeve, clutching it tightly. Minho turns around to look at him, one eyebrow raised. So, Felix does the natural next move and decides to up his overtly sappy cuteness.

“Pleeease, Lino,” Felix whines in the most nasally, high pitched voice he can muster at the moment. “Talk to me about colooooorrrssss,” he says, dragging out the last syllable.

Minho stops in his tracks, completely taken aback and faking disgust at the sudden display.

Felix grins, and decides to seize the opportunity.

He latches onto Minho, wrapping him in a hug and rubbing his face into his left shoulder. He even decides to wiggle back and forth, making Minho’s head loll around before he finally breaks his façade.

“Alright, fine! You’ve annoyed me into listening! Let’s talk about colors!” Minho exclaims, but there’s no heat behind it. Honestly, he probably was interested in this topic from the beginning, but he’s always seemed to get a kick out of riling up the other members and forcing them to whine for his attention.

Felix snorts and lets go, but slides his hand down Minho’s arm until their hands are grasped together.

“Shall we?” Felix says, voice dripping with sarcastic sweetness before he starts skipping to the couch – honest to god skipping, he’s _that_ willing to mess with Minho and drag him along behind him. Minho groans, some odd guttural noise in the back of his throat as his grip tightens on his milk, but he follows along, stumbling as Felix skips extra high.

As they finally settle on the big sofa in the common room, Felix waits for Minho to set his milk down on the coffee table in front of them before he turns to him.

“Can we cuddle?” he asks, looking up at Minho as he waits for an answer.

(He knows Minho is typically weak to the younger members’ big pleading eyes, but he also respects that he might need personal space, so he’s trying _really_ hard to look at him normally.)

Minho rolls his eyes, but he can’t hold back on a grin this time.

“Yeah, get over here, you grumpy kitty,” he concedes, holding his arms out. Felix dives into his embrace immediately, loving how soft and safe Minho makes him feel no matter what he’s doing. He could be doing nothing at all, and Minho’s mere presence would make him smile. (Chan is very similar to Minho in that regard. And so is Changbin. And so is… okay, the entire group is.)

Still, even as comfy as he is, he pouts up at Minho before mumbling, “I’m pretty sure _you’re_ the grumpy kitty of the group, but whatever.”

Minho laughs at that, his loud but still really soft one.

“We can both be grumpy kitties, how about that.” Felix considers this.

“Deal,” he says, reaching around to shake Minho’s hand as if this was a Very Serious Business Meeting. Minho finds that just as funny as Felix’s mock-complaint and another laugh bubbles out of him.

After a moment, Minho takes to running his hand through Felix’s hair, making Felix melt in his arms.

“I thought we were gonna talk about colors, grumpy kitty,” Minho teases as Felix sinks further into the couch.

“Well you see, grumpy kitty… You should be Grumpy Kitty One, because you’re old, by the way…” he pauses to add, then shrieks when Minho flicks him in the forehead.

“As I was saying,” Felix continues as if he hadn’t narrowly avoided his destruction just because he’s cute (and because Minho loves him too much to actually hurt him, but you didn’t hear it from Minho). “We can still talk about colors, I’m just really comfy right now and I was simply getting more comfortable when you distracted me. So really, it’s your fault,” he reasons. As an afterthought, he quickly moves a hand up to guard his forehead, just in case.

Minho sighs, long-sufferingly, the way he always does whenever one of the boys says something Moderately to Severely Ridiculous and he has to hold in his sarcastic quips before someone gets roasted alive.

“Fine. I will accept your false accusations, Grumpy Kitty Three,” he says. Felix chuckles at that.

“Why am I Grumpy Kitty Three? What happened to Two?” he says, though he has a suspicion of where this is going.

“The Grumpy Cat meme is a better Grumpy Kitty than you,” Minho replies swiftly.

Yep, that’s what Felix thought.

“Rude,” he says mildly. He pokes Minho’s cheek in retaliation. Minho just sticks out his tongue before he gets them both back on track.

“So, colors,” Minho says, looking pointedly at Felix.

“Oh, right,” Felix says, giggling. Minho rolls his eyes again, but he waits for Felix to start talking again.

“So, you know how I feel about apples now,” Felix starts.

“I do,” Minho agrees. Felix snorts again.

“If that’s how color works, then does everyone see color in the exact same way?” he asks. When Minho tilts his head at him, looking Very Much like a grumpy kitty, he continues. “Like, you said that the apple is red because that’s the only light that isn’t refracted. So, does red look the exact same for every person on the planet? Or like. What if my red is your green? What then?”

Minho looks stumped for a minute, absentmindedly playing with Felix’s hair again. Eventually, he looks at Felix again, seemingly with an answer.

“Well, we’ve all made it this far in the world. I think life would just continue moving on,” he says with a shrug.

When Felix makes a face at him, he adds, “I’m serious! If my green is your red, then I think probably every color would be shifted and we wouldn’t even notice. Otherwise, complementary colors wouldn’t exist, and we wouldn’t think the same colors go together. So, if you’re wearing, like, soft reds and blues, and I think you’re wearing what you see as soft greens and oranges, they would still kind of look good, don’t you think?”

Felix thinks about that, digesting the thought before he nods a couple of times.

“Yeah. That… that actually makes a lot of sense. _Way_ more than anything else I was thinking of, to be honest,” he admits sheepishly.

“Why, what were you thinking of?” Minho asks, looking like he’s holding back from giggling again.

“I dunno, that I was wearing ugly, mismatched clothes this whole time and you guys were just being nice about my fashion choices?” Felix says, somewhat defensively but also defeatedly.

Minho stares at him for several seconds. Felix isn’t sure what to make of it before Minho starts laughing hysterically. So much so that tears start to roll down his cheeks and he has to pull out of their hug because he’s falling backwards onto the couch to laugh without bumping into Felix.

Felix sighs. He should have known this was how it would go.

Despite this, he finds himself chuckling too. He supposes he can kind of see why Minho thinks this is funny. And besides, Minho _had_ answered his question really nicely before making fun of him, so maybe it is funnier than he thought.

Before he knows it, he’s laughing just as hard as Minho, and he ends up collapsing on top of him as they lay in a puddle of laughter and tears of sheer hilarity.

When they finally calm down into only laughing at random intervals as they go back to normal conversation, Felix realizes he’s feeling warm and soft and more than okay to just stay there, wrapped up together and as they continue to talk about nothing and everything.

They stay there for long enough that the members arrive back home to see Felix _still_ laying on top of Minho, both of them giggling intermittently.

They all stare at them, confused but amused by the display of affection as they unload their things from working or shopping earlier that day.

“What’s so funny?” Changbin ends up asking with a smile as he takes off his shoes.

Felix just looks up at him, then back at Minho, and they burst out laughing again.

Chan looks at Changbin sympathetically, though he’s smiling now too.

“We probably had to be there,” he says, before laughing a little himself.

“Yeah,” Minho says, raising his head slightly and stifling another bout of laughter. “You needed to be there for the full, colorful, Grumpy Kitty experience.”

It makes Felix lose it, which only sets Minho off again. Felix’s face hurts at this point but he’s so content and happy right now that he doesn’t mind.

Everything Minho said makes zero sense to the others, but they’re fine being lost and confused on this one as long as they’re carefree and having fun.

And it turns out, Felix’s mild existentialism with colors has a use after all; it provides Felix and Minho with material to use to sneak up behind each other and make them double over laughing – for _weeks_.


	7. There is nothing left to throw of ginger, lemon, indigo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungmin, featuring Hyunjin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyooo shout out to seungmin for having a Monster chapter; it is the longest one so far, almost double the previous longest ch. what a great puppy we love to see it  
> anyway  
> cw: some form of unnamed anxiety that makes seungmin's head feel fuzzy/itchy, it's not specifically named but they talk about/are stimming (in ways i experience it), very brief mention of intrusive thoughts (not in detail, just mention of the phrase and what it means)   
> other content: asking for advice and potentially hard conversations, tickling and noogies, seungjin besties agenda

Seungmin’s mind is feeling… itchy.

That’s the best way to describe the strange sensation that tickles his brain as he puts away the dishes.

Someone else washed them. In fact, he _watched_ them get washed. All he has to do is put them away.

And yet…

He felt some strange, itchy feeling that makes his brain feel fuzzy every time he picks up a dish. An urge to touch every single dish, a feeling that if he just double checks each plate, each bowl, each _spoon,_ he’ll be certain they’re all clean.

He’s more or less certain, in fact, that touching every dish will ease the little tickle in his mind.

He tries to resist it, but can’t completely. He does make sure to wash his hands very thoroughly and before checking a couple dishes.

He was right. It _did_ make some of the fuzziness go away.

But like… why?

When he thinks about it, this isn’t the only thing that makes his mind itchy, requesting a specific action in order to finally go away.

Sometimes things have to have a pattern, or be perfectly matched – if he taps his fingers one direction, he has to tap them out in the same pattern backwards or with his other hand or he feels a little Off until he can forget about it. Or if he steps on a rock (with his shoes on), he stays on the lookout for a rock of equal size to purposefully step on with his other foot.

Other times he just needs to have a quick full body shudder for no reason other than it felt like the right thing to do in that moment. Same with his little noises he makes that he worries are a little odd but the boys never tease him for. Apparently, they think it’s cute. (He knows this because they keep telling him.)

He isn’t sure why these things happen. In fact, he hadn’t really noticed how many of them he had until just now. He sighs, then finishes putting away the dishes. He resists the urge to touch all of the utensils (which he puts away in pairs) because he doesn’t want to go through the trouble of washing his hands over and over for each one.

It leaves him feeling weirdly dissatisfied afterward, and he sighs again. He shakes his head and shoulders rapidly, more of a shudder than anything else, but it does a pretty good job of dispelling the remains of the itchy tingles in his brain. Huh.

The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that he does things like this all the time, and he doesn’t know anyone else who does anything like it. And he kind of wants to talk to someone about it now, to make sure that his brain is still functioning or something.

The closest thing he can think of is about how Hyunjin can be particular about how things are ordered…

Seungmin shrugs. That works for him.

(He says that’s his reasoning at least, but really it’s because he knows how Hyunjin deals with the members coming to him for help. Well, all of them really.

Chan and Minho want to take the Give Advice Route almost immediately, and while they always ask if they want to be advised or just rant, it can be hard to tell them he just needs to complain about something knowing how much they want to help.

Changbin and Felix already have a system of offering distractions and asking them what they want to do, but Seungmin is in the mood to talk rather than redirect, and he’s a little afraid he’ll give into pushing it away.

Jisung can be pretty blunt, so while his advice is great and very appreciated, whatever Seungmin needs to talk about needs to be relatively gentle.

Jeongin… no. Not with abstract and mental things at least, not yet. He gives soft and helpful tips, of course, just about more practical and straightforward matters.

So that leaves Hyunjin – sweet and open and doesn’t ask questions unless it’s out of concern. He has a tendency to want to pet people’s hair while they talk things out, and sometimes it’s a bit much but today it’s exactly what Seungmin needs.)

As luck would have it, Hyunjin is lying on his bed watching something on his phone. Seungmin smiles. _Cute_ , he thinks.

Despite being curled up and facing the door, Hyunjin hasn’t noticed the intruder yet. Seungmin waits by the door for a few seconds, tapping out a forward-backward rhythm with his fingers before knocking properly. Hyunjin blinks a few times then looks up to see what interrupted his free time.

He keeps on a blank face until Seungmin raises an eyebrow, and that’s all it takes for Hyunjin to crack and chuckle at him.

“What’s up?” he asks as he locks his phone and sits up.

“Am I weird?” he asks without hesitation.

Hyunjin tilts his head.

“Extremely, but all of us are. Is this about anything in particular?” Seungmin shrugs, not quite sure how to phrase it just yet.

“Well, do you want to sit down?” he offers. Oh, good idea.

Seungmin marches over to the bed and sits a few feet away from Hyunjin. When it looks like he’s about to pull Seungmin closer, he shakes his head and instead looks Hyunjin in the eyes.

“Can I have hair pets and cuddles while we talk?” Hyunjin looks a little surprised, but it melts off into a smile and a nod. He even adds a ‘come here’ gesture and guides Seungmin to lie down with his head on his lap. Immediately, Seungmin feels soft hands and nimble fingers carding through his hair. It’s so relaxing.

He kind of wants to just nap here before Hyunjin prompts him gently.

“You wanted to talk?”

Seungmin huffs.

““Want” is not quite the word, but I think I need to.”

Hyunjin shrugs.

“That’s fine too. What about? Just need to rant?” He takes one hand out of Seungmin’s hair to rest on his side and absentmindedly scratch circles into back. Seungmin hums before responding.

“Kind of? Like, I need to tell you something and then I might need… reassurance? Yeah, reassurance. Maybe advice, we’ll see when we get there,” he ends up rambling a bit.

“Works for me,” Hyunjin says with a soft smile. “Take your time,” he adds when Seungmin blinks up at him a couple of times without saying anything.

He huffs. He had an idea of what he wanted to say, and now it’s gone and deleted itself from his brain. Truly tragic.

But, he wants to tell Hyunjin _something_ , so –

“You ever feel like your brain is telling you to do something very specific?” he ends up blurting out.

Hyunjin blinks now.

“I mean, I think that’s the point of brains?” he replies, sounding confused.

Seungmin frowns.

“No, sorry, not that. I mean, like, do you ever have some specific thing pop up in your head and you feel like you have to do it otherwise something feels off for a while?” he says, hoping he’s describing it correctly.

Hyunjin’s expression clears up.

“Oh, I think I know what you mean. I don’t think I have those exactly, but I understand what you’re talking about. I think,” he tacks on at the end. After a few seconds of thought, he asks, “Do you have any examples?”

Seungmin unconsciously pouts as he searches his mind. Hyunjin is quick to startle him out of his thoughts by quickly tapping his palm to Seungmin’s lips, and he cackles when Seungmin glares up at him.

“I was _thinking_ ,” he grumbles. Hyunjin just laughs more and sticks his tongue out in response. How is he the older one again?

(Seungmin supposes it doesn’t really count if he’s only younger than Hyunjin by a few months, but he still likes to bring it up to annihilate him in arguments about maturity.)

“Okay, okay, continue thinking,” Hyunjin says, barely stifling his giggling. True to his word, he lowers his hands, one landing in Seungmin’s hair to run through it again. It helps Seungmin relax and he closes his eyes as he tries to tune in to what he wants to say.

After a few moments of quiet, he decides to just be as straightforward as possible. No need to beat about the bush with flowery language and explanations when he can just tell him what he feels. He opens his eyes again to meet Hyunjin’s gaze.

“Okay, I’ve got it,” he says. Hyunjin tilts his head in interest.

“So, this happened earlier with the dishes, but I felt like I had to double check all of them before I put them away? But to double check them, I had to physically feel every inch of the surface of each dish or my brain would feel fuzzy and unsatisfied. And I didn’t really want to touch every single dish just to put them away, so…” He breathes in and out slowly.

“There’s other little things too, like wanting things to match. It kind of clears my head to be able to feel the exact same sensation in opposing spots… ah, like if I feel a sharp corner of a book in one palm, I switch the book around to get the same sharp feeling in the other.

“One you might know, the shuddering and loud noises I make all the time? I think I feel the need to do that when I’m feeling a lot of… something, good or bad, and I need to clear my head. It’s like I’m doing something or other and trying to physically de-fuzz my mind. I don’t know why it works either, but. Yeah, that’s pretty much it,” he trails off when he realizes he doesn’t know how to finish.

Hyunjin hums quietly, mulling everything over.

“What kind of response do you want?” he asks.

“Reassurance still, and if you have any kind of explanation that would be great,” Seungmin is quick to answer.

Hyunjin reaches over to boop his nose before he responds. It makes Seungmin’s nose scrunch, but he doesn’t protest it, and he gets his response only a few seconds later.

“It sounds like you have little habits that your noggin comes up with in order make you want to be less stressed. If that makes sense,” he says, chuckling at the awkward phrasing.

“Let me try again. So, maybe you’re overwhelmed, and your brain goes,” he pitches his voice up high and nasally to say, ““Hey there Seungmin, here’s this small thing you can do that’s low effort and it will make you feel better.”” Back in his normal voice he says, “Or maybe it’s just something that your mind decided would be satisfying,” he muses, then tacks on. “Like those soap cutting videos!”

Seungmin nods. It makes sense when he thinks about it that way; like it’s just something that, although perhaps a bit unexpected, just helps clear his mind and destress. Still…

“So, do you think it’s normal then?” he asks, unsure if this is a human thing or a Seungmin thing. He isn’t sure which answer he wants.

Hyunjin shrugs.

“No idea. I mean, I know I have comforting habits like tapping my feet, and it does feel nice to have something go smoothly when I’m overwhelmed. It makes the world feel just a little bit better, y’know?”

“That I do know,” Seungmin mumbles. It’s quiet between them for a moment, and Seungmin if feeling somewhat better, what would really be nice to know is if he’s the only one who does… peculiar things.

“Do you think the others do stuff like this?” he asks softly.

“Yeah, honestly. We all have little things we like to do that make us feel better.” Seungmin blinks a few times while Hyunjin keeps going.

“I like to mess with hoodie strings, Chan always double saves everything he works on, Minho plays with his earrings every so often, Jisung likes to wear the same type of outfit when he writes, that sort of thing. Oh, and Felix twirls his hair when he’s thinking, Jeongin needs quiet music in order to study, and Changbin likes hugs that squeeze the stress out of him,” he rattles off everything in rapid succession.

 _Wow_ , Seungmin thinks. He’s glad he’s not alone on this. Although, while it is reassuring to know that he isn’t the only one who does these peculiar, particular things… why does he have so _many_ of them?

Hyunjin seems to catch on to this because he smiles and taps Seungmin’s cheek.

“Of course, that’s just one example for everyone. They have more than that, definitely. And maybe you have more little habits than them, maybe you don’t. If you do have more, that’s not a bad thing.” He hums a little before continuing.

“I don’t quite feel what you feel when you described it as itchy, maybe you could talk to the others about that. Probably Chan or Jisung, to be honest. But, I understand having random thoughts or urges appearing out of nowhere.”

Seungmin lifts his head slightly.

“You do?” Hyunjin nods, looking a little tense before he relaxes.

“Intrusive thoughts,” he says softly. Seungmin nods in understanding. Then Hyunjin laughs abruptly, startling him.

“Ah sorry, just had an idea,” he says sheepishly.

Seungmin smiles despite not knowing where this is going.

“Care to share?” he asks.

“I dunno, I just think it’s funny that we have the opposite solutions to similar problems. For me, when a random thought comes by and I don’t like it, I just have to push it away and tell myself it’s not real and think of something else.” Seungmin nods, reaching up to lace one of his hands into Hyunjin’s.

“Aww, you’re cute,” Hyunjin coos. He ignores Seungmin’s eye rolling as he continues.

“For you though, from what I can tell, as long as it’s just a mild urge, all you have to do is just give in to it for a few seconds and then you can ignore it.” A pause. “I said that weird. Maybe they’re not as similar as I thought,” he admits.

Seungmin laughs.

“No, no, that makes sense actually. It’s the emergence of random ideas that pop up in our minds unbidden, and the best way to get rid of these thoughts is wildly different for both of us.”

“Huh,” is all Hyunjin says for a moment. “Yeah, it sounds _way_ better when you say it.”

Seungmin smirks and wiggles his and Hyunjin’s still interlocked hands.

“Of course it does. I’m me.”

Hyunjin looks at him with amused, mock-offense.

“First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I’m poetic and you know it.”

“Do I?” The only response Seungmin gets is a raspberry in his direction before they melt into a comfortable quiet. It’s warm, just sitting together in their room.

After a minute or so, Seungmin registers that he’s feeling an odd combination of happiness at the recognition and acceptance of all of this, while still simmering from the awkward, tense feeling of having a conversation about something that had bothered him. It stews around inside of him, boils a little until it bubbles up and –

“Gaah!!” he yells. Hyunjin is completely unphased. He doesn’t even blink, just keeps running a hand through his hair with his lips still turned up in a smile. It doesn’t look like his mood has changed beyond his soft, contented state.

Seungmin, on the other hand, feels great. Now that he’s aware of the pressure that tends to build up inside of him, it feels extra good to release it, even if it was just by making noise. Still, if that worked, if everything else works, and he can do it freely and nobody will really mind… he grins and laughs. Hyunjin joins in the giggling, probably unsure of the cause of Seungmin’s sudden joy, but seemingly just happy that he’s happy.

After a long while, smiling and soaking in each other’s presence and feeling of safety, Seungmin sits up and puts an arm around Hyunjin’s shoulder.

Only to tug him down to land next to him on the bed.

Hyunjin yelps, recovering seconds later to roll on top of Seungmin to (gently) grind his knuckles into his head. Seungmin just laughs again, completely unbothered.

Hyunjin eventually gives up and resorts to tickling him instead. It’s way more effective, much to Seungmin’s dismay. He immediately starts giggling and wiggling around to try to avoid it; but to no avail.

“Noo, stop! You’re the worst!” he exclaims after some squirms and laughter. Hyunjin relents and flops on his back next to him, laughing just as loud despite not being a tickle victim.

They end up cuddling together after they finally stop laughing as much. Seungmin smiles up at Hyunjin, who grins back so wide his eyes scrunch up.

“Thanks, Hyunjinnie,” Seungmin says after a while.

Hyunjin squeezes him a little tighter, pulling him close.

“Of course. Anytime, Seungminnie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. every 'little habit' that seungmin experiences in this is something that i have experienced or currently still do. *laughs nervously* it's fine. uhhh if anyone has an explanation other than anxiety/potentially adhd (i have both lol), feel free to lmk! i'm still trying to figure out what this means sometimes but hey, sometimes u just gotta stim and live ur best life :D


	8. Coriander stem and rose of hay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeongin, featuring Jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content: yet another existential crisis, this time about the internet, mentions injuries but in the context of pranks, probably incorrect info about internet and coding sorry about that, lots of cursing bc jisung but jeongin is also a pottymouth

Jeongin hears more than sees Jisung startle when he walks into the common room.

He knows this – and he knows that it’s Jisung – because Jisung always makes a squeaky yelp when he’s surprised. He also knows that he is the source of the surprise.

He knows _this_ because he is starfished on the ground in the middle of the room, face down and completely silent.

He decides to spare Jisung any unwelcome thoughts by raising a hand in greeting.

“Hey,” is all he says, muffled by the rug he’s lying on. (Lying flat on his face on hardwood floor, shockingly, isn’t that comfortable.)

A couple seconds of silence, followed by a confused, “Hi?” It’s more of a question than anything else.

Jeongin lets his hand flop to the floor, assuming his odd position once again as he tries to avoid thinking.

“Whatcha… whatcha doing down there, Innie?” Jisung asks hesitantly, like he’s unsure if he’s being serious or if this is a joke setup.

Honestly, that’s fair. While they never prank each other by faking injuries (or worse), more than once they’ve had someone distract a poor, unsuspecting member and lower their guard until another member jumps out from a hiding spot to scare them. All of them startle easily, so to Jeongin, scaring the shit out of them is _really fucking funny_.

“No pranks today, don’t worry,” Jeongin says through the rug, waving a hand in dismissal as he does. “Just trying to avoid a mild crisis.”

A pause.

“What kind of crisis?” asks Jisung, still cautious, but now colored with a hint of concern.

Jeongin finally looks up to meet his gaze.

“I’m fine, lemme start with that,” he clarifies. The worry leaves Jisung’s eyes, but the confusion remains. Jeongin decides to lower his head again.

“I’m just trying not to think about how and why the internet works.”

It’s quiet, then he hears a snort, poorly concealed as a cough, and he lifts his head once again to glare at Jisung.

“I’m serious!” he insists. “I’ve never thought about it before, now I can’t stop! How the hell does it work?”

Despite Jeongin’s mild distress, Jisung continues to huff short, breathy laughs at him.

“I literally hate you,” Jeongin grumbles, wiggling in place until he’s laying on his side. This way, he won’t strain his neck while he tries to destroy Jisung with his eyes alone. 

“You know you love me,” Jisung manages to tease while his laughter finally calms down.

Jeongin grumbles something to himself, trying to purposefully keep it quiet. Jisung hears it, however, and his eyes widen with glee and he exaggeratedly lifts his hand to his ear.

“Sorry, what was that? I didn’t quite catch that one,” he says, voice dripping with delighted sarcasm.

“I said I do! I do love you, bitch! Now help me stop having a crisis!” Jeongin yells, hands covering his face.

Jisung sighs, purposefully dramatic.

“Fiiine, I guess I’ll come help you.” He ends up lying next to Jeongin, holding his gaze and making Jeongin more unnerved than he thought he would be. 

“Must you stare into my soul like that?” he complains. Jisung doesn’t even pretend to contemplate his answer.

“Yes. I must.”

Jeongin shudders before deciding to get back to the crisis at hand.

“So, you know the internet,” he starts.

“I personally know the internet, yes. We’re good friends.”

“Not now, smartass.”

“Ouch, you wound me,” Jisung pouts exaggeratedly.

“Then don’t be a smartass!” Jeongin snipes back.

“Rude fucker,” Jisung mutters, then waves a hand. “Continue.”

“Right. As I was saying. The internet.” Jeongin pauses, ready for Jisung to comment again. But he doesn’t; he just waits with eyebrows slightly raised. Jeongin continues.

“So, like, it exists because people made it for databases and communications and stuff, right?”

Jisung shrugs.

“I actually don’t know, did you look it up?” he asks.

“Yeah, but that was really all that made sense. It was made for military use first, then for scientists to share info, but like… why does it work?” Jisung hums before responding.

“It’s coding and binary, isn’t it? Like, they made codes out of binary to make websites and web storage and shit, I think.”

“What does that even mean?” Jeongin huffs as he asks. Jisung shrugs again, lifting his hands to accentuate his lack of comprehension on the subject.

“I don’t know, I’m not a scientist or a computerist.”

“I think you could just say computer scientist.”

“Shut up and let me invent new words.”

Jeongin sighs.

“Okay, fine, maybe it’s coding and binary and all that. But… but _why_ does it work? How does it continuously evolve? How on earth could some people use a bit of coding to make something as massive and with as much reach as the internet?”

Jisung blinks a few times, and Jeongin has the sneaking suspicion that he’s finally catching on to the crisis. He decides to drive it home.

“Who decided that that’s how computers work? If it’s just coding and binary, as you say, then how come the internet hasn’t been invented several times over by hundreds or thousands of other computer scientists? And how the actual fuck do streams of numbers make up literally everything we do on the internet?”

Jeongin sees the exact moment Jisung falls into “What The Fuck Is The Internet” crisis mode, and it would be glorious if Jeongin himself wasn’t still in distress.

“Fuck,” Jisung breathes. “Fuck, dude, you’re right. What the fuck? What the shit??”

Jeongin nods aggressively, eyes wide, as Jisung continues.

“How the fuck does it all work? I’m so confused now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to not think about this anymore.” He frowns, pointing an accusing finger and Jeongin. “This is your fault, mister. I’m going to blame you for this forever.”

“Honestly, that’s fair,” Jeongin concedes. “I just needed to not be alone in this anymore. Sorry, man.”

Jisung sighs, long and hard. Then he looks up to hold Jeongin’s gaze.

“I understand why you were lying face down on the floor now.”

“Glad you can see my point of view.” A pause. “Want to lay face down on the floor with me?”

“Hell yes, I’m gonna need several hours to cleanse my mind of this.”

That’s how Felix walks in on them half an hour later, jumping at the sight of two members starfished on the ground and intermittently groaning in frustration.

“Hi…” he starts. “You good down there?” Twin thumbs ups before the arms droop back to the ground. Felix sighs.

“Can you have existential crises somewhere else please?”

Jisung looks up at that, ready to protest.

“What, so you all are allowed to have an existential crisis whenever you want but we can’t?”

“That would be correct.” He looks down at his watch. “Fine, you have five minutes. Wrap up your crisis so I can watch a movie.” He leaves the room to get something.

Jeongin and Jisung sigh, slowly pulling themselves up into sitting positions.

“Wanna move the crisis to the beds? Probably comfier,” Jeongin offers.

Jisung opens his mouth but is interrupted by Felix whipping his head back around the corner.

“Sorry, you said “you all”, has everyone else been having existential moments around here too?”

“Uhh… yeah?” Jeongin says. “It’s been going on for the last month or so, maybe we’re all unraveling or something.”

Felix purses his lips.

“Maybe we should have a team meeting about this.” And just like that he’s gone again.

Jisung looks at Jeongin and shrugs.

“Anyway, my answer is yes. Let’s use my room, I made the bed recently so there’s actually usable space on it. Unlike someone I know,” he teases as he stands up.

Jeongin sticks out his tongue and joins him, jokingly shoving Jisung as he stretches his arms.

“Punk,” Jisung mutters. “The things I do for you only to be treated like this,” he says, shaking his head before grabbing Jeongin’s wrist and dragging him into his room. Despite the weirdness of the afternoon, Jeongin smiles as he’s pulled along. In some roundabout way, it just shows that Jisung cares about him and is willing to listen to even the strangest of thoughts, and it’s comforting to him.

Then he’s yanked onto Jisung’s bed and jumped on by none other than Han Jisung himself, and Jeongin wheezes as the air is pushed out of him.

“I take it there wasn’t a better way to do that?” he gripes. Jisung beams down at him.

“Nope!” Then he flops on top of him and spreads his limbs to crush Jeongin just a little more. Jeongin sighs and accepts his fate, closing his eyes and stretching out as well.

After about an hour of starfishing, they find themselves slowly tangling together and cuddling until they both start fall asleep.

 _It’s nice_ , Jeongin thinks sleepily, before drifting off and huddling closer to Jisung for warmth.

(Felix returns to talk to them about the team meeting after a while, only to find them both sleeping in each other’s arms. He takes pictures to keep for them only, and even though Jeongin whines that it’s embarrassing, he secretly saves the photos and keeps them in a folder dedicated to pictures of him with his members.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're close to the end! one more chapter left!! thanks to everyone who's read any of this, it means a lot to me :'3  
> hope you're all doing okay!!


	9. Strength and courage overrides (the privileged and weary eyes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stray Kids <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end! the conclusion! she's donion rings!  
> ahh idk how to end long things so i hope this is enjoyable!  
> thank you to everyone who made it this far :D i really appreciate it
> 
> content: mentions of every thing the members dealt with in past chapters, crying but with happiness, jisung being a shithead and a pottymouth again but we love him, mild threats of violence (made by minho; includes reference to air frying people)
> 
> and stray kids loving stray kids <3

Chan and Minho are cuddling together, trying to nap honestly, when there’s a knock on the door. It makes them both jolt and shake their heads as the noise chases away the softness of the sleepy state they’d been in.

They both frown as they look at each other, then laugh at how the pillows had already created crinkle lines on both their faces. After a few moments Chan calls out for whoever is at the door to come in.

Felix pokes his head in.

“Hey, dads. You’re not kissing again are you?” he asks suspiciously. Minho cackles while Chan splutters.

“No, we are not! We’re trying to sleep. Well, we _were_ ,” he says, directing a fake glare at Felix.

Of course, Minho decides to plant a smooch on Chan’s cheek at that moment – just because he can.

Now Felix splutters while Chan hides his face in his hands, secretly smiling. Minho, the only one left in the room with any composure, gets everyone back on track.

“So, what did you come in here for? I imagine not to encourage us to kiss in front of you more,” he says casually.

“Oh right,” Felix says blandly. “Can you call a family meeting soon?”

Chan’s eyebrows shoot up at that.

“Something wrong?” he asks, trying (and probably failing) to keep concern out of his tone.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Felix says. “It seems like everyone’s having a crisis recently. Mostly existential. Thought maybe we could all talk about it so everyone’s on the same page.”

“Right,” Chan says. “Everyone?” he adds after a moment. Felix nods.

They stare at each other for a moment, Minho looking back in forth between the two. Probably to entertain himself.

“Yeah, alright,” Chan says eventually. He lowers himself onto the mattress again, hands immediately scrunching his pillow. “Tomorrow though, I want to take a nap now.” A pause. “Unless you want to do it today?”

Felix waves him off.

“Nah, I think Jeongin and Jisung are about to fall asleep anyway. I’ll leave you all to get your beauty rest.” He says the last bit with a lilt, closing his eyes as he grins.

Chan chuckles. “Sure thing. We’ll make sure to sleep.”

“And kiss!” Minho calls out as he lies down again while Felix leaves the room. It earns Minho the sound of fake vomiting (Felix) and a light, flustered push on his shoulder (Chan).

(And a kiss – also Chan.)

The next day – evening, really – Chan calls a family meeting after they finish a short performance. When they arrive at the dorms, everyone cleans up, eats, and returns to the commons room, where the members are all sitting, blinking tiredly, on every available surface in. Nobody wants to start anything, if only because most of them have no idea what this meeting’s supposed to be about.

Eventually Chan sighs. This is getting nowhere, and unfortunately he knows the solution.

“Okay, since we’re all pretty confused, I’m sure,” he turns to Felix. “Hate to throw you under the bus, dude, but I think you’re the only one who knows the purpose of this meeting.”

Felix sighs, long and loud, and makes a show of sliding out of his chair and onto the ground before popping back up to sit on it regularly.

“Fine, I’ll get us started,” he concedes. He clears his throat once.

“So, to get straight to business,” he says, pointedly ignoring Jisung’s muttered “Nobody’s straight here.”

“I’ve noticed that a couple of us, probably all of us, are having crises. Mostly of the existential variety. And… I dunno, I kind of just wanted to talk about it, see if anyone needs help or if we just want to make sure everyone is on the same page. Or something,” he finishes with some odd, flippy hand gesture.

When nobody has anything to offer, or rather, the explanation made them more confused, Felix sighs again.

“Guess I’ll go first. Right. So, I had a Moment a week or so ago where I got stumped thinking about colors and was wondering if everyone sees colors the same way or not. I was confused for a while before Minho came and helped explain things. It could be something like that, or it could be very different,” he explains.

Jeongin perks up at that.

“Oh, you mean like my internet breakdown yesterday?” he asks.

“The internet broke down yesterday?” Seungmin asks, confused.

“No, _I_ broke down,” Jeongin clarifies. “About the internet. As Jisung is my witness, he can attest to it.”

“I participated in it too,” Jisung says with a sigh. “He made my brain malfunction for like two hours.”

Chan raises his hand after that.

“It wasn’t much, but I was kind of fixated on the idea of a physical concept of negative things,” he offers. “It was like my brain got stuck on that idea for a while and wouldn’t let it go, but not much else happened.”

“Oh, I remember that,” Jeongin says. “Hmm. Based on my internet based breakdown, I will revoke my ‘Chan’s Brain is Weird’ statement until further notice. But I’ll probably give re-revoke it soon.” Chan sighs and looks at the ceiling as if it will have answers about why his kids are mean to him.

“Ah, I remember mine,” Minho says after a moment. “I kept worrying about our place in the universe, and I talked to Seungmin about it for a while. He was nice about it, and if the knowledge that I complimented him escapes this room just know that Hyunjin isn’t the only one who can be easily cooked in an air fryer.”

“Noted,” Changbin says with a grimace. “Well, my Moment, as Felix put it, was just one of those times where my thoughts felt like they were running too fast and I needed something to distract me from getting lost in it. That’s happened… more than once, but not often,” he admits.

Jisung pipes up following Changbin, who aggressively ignores the smoochy faces he’s making while he speaks.

“I had a similar thing to Changbin, but my distraction was… different,” he says, looking directly at Felix as he does.

Minho sighs.

“We get it, ChangLix are cute boyfriends. Make your point, Jisung.”

Jisung deflates at his failed attempt to embarrass Changbin but sits back up to conclude his spiel.

“Okay, yeah, Changbin was helpful in distracting me when it felt like I couldn’t concentrate on one thing at a time no matter how hard I tried.”

Everyone has a moment to process things when Hyunjin, playing with his fingers, speaks up next.

“Speaking of thoughts I have… uh… intrusive ones, sometimes,” he says quietly. He looks up after a moment to see Chan nodding encouragingly, giving him a discrete finger heart. It makes Hyunjin smile as he takes a deep breath and continues.

“I’ve had moments for a while where random thoughts will pop up into my head, and sometimes it’s just things like “What if I dropped my phone from high up?” or “What if I whacked my knee with this spoon?” and stuff like that. But, I had a really scary one the other day, and Chan helped me find solutions for if scary ones happen.” Chan beams at him.

“Well, if we’re sharing things that might be concerning,” Seungmin starts. “I have this thing where I feel like I need to do something really specific to make my brain feel less. I dunno, itchy? Yeah. And if I don’t do it, it’s not the end of the world but it leaves me feeling a little unsettled for a while.”

Nobody says anything for a moment, then Changbin asks, “What kind of things make your brain feel better?” Seungmin sighs, relieved.

“Just things like putting silverware away in a certain order, or if I poke my hand on accident I want to poke the other hand on purpose to make it balanced, that sort of thing.”

Chan’s expression clears up.

“Oh! I do things like that!” he exclaims. Seungmin tilts his head at him.

“Really?”

“Yeah!” He looks kind of excited to find someone to relate to. “If I tap out a specific pattern with on hand, I have to do the same pattern with the other hand. I dunno why, it just makes me feel more comfortable.” Seungmin blinks a few times in surprise.

“And also, I double save all my work, I get nervous if I don’t,” Chan adds.

Changbin jumps in to mention his specific foot tapping frequency, and Felix talks about his need to sometimes do a little shoulder-shiver to release tension, and Seungmin smiles.

Hyunjin nudges Seungmin with a sly grin, as if to say, _“See? It’s normal. It’s okay.”_

After a while, the chatter dies down and they’re left with a question;

“What does this all mean?” Jeongin asks the room.

“In the nicest way possible, it means we’re all weird,” Jisung says nonchalantly.

“In the nicest way possible, I’m going to rip your toes off,” Minho says in an equally casual tone.

After about two seconds, Jisung whispers, “Oh, you're being serious,” and scoots his chair farther away from Minho.

“Well, we are weird,” Seungmin concedes. “But when I was talking to Hyunjin about my thing, he kind of said that we’re all weird, but it’s not because of how our brains work. I agree with that.”

“Yeah,” Changbin adds. “I think that we are all odd potatoes, but it’s because that’s how we are, not because our brains think differently. That’s just life, it’s normal to think differently.”

They all nod in agreement. They hadn’t known it was needed, but now that everything is out in the open, they definitely feel more secure, grounded.

Chan raises his hands again after a moment, paying no mind to Felix who wonders out loud why he keeps raising his hand.

“It’s gonna be a little cheesy, but I wanted to say that I definitely don’t mind being weird. I love being able to talk to you guys about this kind of thing. And also, I would absolutely give up any and all rational thought if it meant I could always end up in Stray Kids, with all of you.”

There’s a chorus of “Aww”s, and a couple “Love you”s, except for Jeongin who mutters, “You’re a sap, Channie.”

Chan frowns, but in that pouty way that lets the members know he’s about to say something heartwarming.

“Of course, can you blame me? I love you all so much! I get to be with seven amazing people and incredible teammates, every single day! Honestly, who wouldn’t feel like the luckiest person ever? So, yeah, I’m gonna be a sap about it!” he declares.

It’s quiet again, until Seungmin sighs.

“I’m getting the tissue box,” he says, and stands up to leave, trying to discretely wipe his eyes on his sleeves.

Chan looks around at everyone, perplexed and a little concerned, to see that all of his members have either teared up or are actively crying.

“Oh, gosh, sorry everyone,” Chan apologizes, clasping his hands together. After a moment he hides his face behind his fingers.

“Don’t worry, Channie,” Minho says, grabbing a tissue from Seungmin once he returns. “We’re happy crying. And we're kinda tired too, so that’s not helping.”

“Yup,” Felix adds, dabbing at his eyes. “It’s been a long month or so, and a long day, and we just love you.”

“Love you a lot, and you’re amazing too,” Changbin says, sniffling.

“Yeah! You can’t just go around declaring yourself the luckiest person ever when you’re our leader!” Jisung exclaims hotly as he, too, cries.

“Exactly!” Hyunjin nods furiously in agreement, aggressively wiping his streaming tears. “You’re incredible!”

“You walked into this one. Now we get to be saps about you, best leader,” Seungmin says, eyes mostly dry by this point.

After a moment, Jeongin gives up on his deadpan farce and sniffles once as well.

“Yeah, I’ll admit it. Best leader Chan,” he says with a sly smile.

When there’s no reply for a couple seconds, they turn to look at Chan, who’s still hiding his face in his hands. Or he is, until he removes one hand to reach for a tissue as well to wipe off the mess of tears on his cheeks.

The response is immediate.

“Aww, Channie!” Felix cries before flying out of his seat to hug him. Minho is close behind, followed by Hyunjin and Changbin. The others stay nearby and alternate patting his head softly.

Eventually, they separate, leaving Minho to sit in Chan’s lap and wipe away the last of his tears. Chan sighs, wrapping his arms around Minho’s waist and holding him close.

“Stray Kids loving Stray Kids hours are wide open, it would seem,” Seungmin murmurs.

“That they are, Seungminnie,” Hyunjin agrees with a nod.

Chan clears his throat once, voice a little wobbly.

“Well, thanks kids. I love you guys a lot.” He sighs again, smiling softly and leaning his head onto Minho’s arm. “I think maybe we should go ahead and call it a night. Get lots of good sleep and wake up ready for tomorrow.”

“Aye, aye, captain,” Jeongin says with a mock salute, then waves to everybody before walking out of the room.

“Goodnight, baby,” Chan calls after him. There’s a sigh, then a moment later comes Jeongin’s reply.

“Goodnight dad.” Chan chuckles quietly.

Jisung then stretches, murmuring, “Goodnight, bitches,” before following Jeongin out.

Changbin rolls his eyes before taking Felix’s hand and walking out with him. “Goodnight dads and also Seungmin and also Hyunjin,” he says. Felix waves cheerily as they go.

“Goodnight, ChangLix,” Minho says with a half smirk.

Hyunjin and Seungmin wave with a, “Goodnight, dads, see you in the morning,” and then Minho and Chan are the only ones left.

Minho hums quietly, caressing Chan’s hands where they’re clasped together in front of his navel. Chan wonders what he’s thinking about; if it’s something soft or profound or completely out of nowhere.

And he doesn’t have to wait long to find out.

“So, did I become dad before or after we started dating? I’m a little confused on the timeline.”

Chan only sighs again. He holds Minho a little closer.

Of course.

“… After, I think.”

“Ah. Makes sense.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hrrnghh the ending felt rushed imo But she ended! hope it was alright :O
> 
> anywho!  
> thank you again! to anyone reading this, hope you're doing well, staying hydrated, and doing what you can!  
> even if you're not at 100% all the time, your best in that moment is your best!  
> stay safe, and happy holidays!

**Author's Note:**

> stay safe, stay healthy! drink water, wear a mask, and i hope at least one good thing happens to you every day!!
> 
> ways to help: https://allcards.carrd.co/


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